"Remember not only to say the right thing in the right place, but far more difficult still, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment."
    -Benjamin Frankin (1706 - 1790)

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents the week before Christmas.
At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.
"Oh God, I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE..."
"I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO..."
"I PRAY FOR A NEW DVD..."
His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother.
"Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."
The little brother shot a scornful glance at his sibling. "No, but Grandma is!"

October 4, 2005
"Resolve to edge in a little reading every day, if it is but a single sentence.  If you gain fifteen minutes a day, it will make itself felt at the end of the year."
    -Horace Mann (1796 - 1859)

September 20, 2005
"The gem cannot be polished without friction, nor man perfected without trials"
    -Chinese Proverb

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. The classroom became a bit unruly and he admonished them. This happened several times.
When he could do work at his desk, the strong breeze from the window made his tie flap annoyingly. He kept rearranging and rearranging the tie as the class raised it's level of unruliness.
Finally, becoming disgusted with the wayward tie, he stood up and took a big stapler off his desk and stapled the tie to his chest in several places.
Discipline was not a problem from that day forth.

August 23, 2005
"Maybe the most any of us can expect of ourselves isn't perfection but progress."
    - Michelle Burford, O Magazine, 2003

A forgetful man thought he had conquered his problem of trying to remember his wife's birthday and, also, their anniversary.  He opened an account with a florist, provided that florist with the dates and instructions to send flowers to his wife on these dates along with an appropriate note signed, "Your loving husband."
His wife was thrilled by this new display of attention and all went well until one day when he came home he saw a bouquet, kissed his wife and said offhandedly, "Nice flowers, honey.  Where'd you get them?"

August 3, 2005
"To know the road ahead, ask those coming back."
    Chinese Proverb

July 26, 2005
"The greatest conflicts are not between two people but between one person and himself."
    - Garth Brooks

Nurse: Doctor, the man you've just treated collapsed on the front step what should I do?Doctor: Turn him around so it looks like he was just arriving!

July 15, 2005
"Friendship make prosperity more shining and lessens adversity by dividing and sharing it."
     -Cicero (106 BC - 43 BC)

When a new child visited our school, the teacher greeted him and asked his age. The little boy held up four fingers.
"Oh, you're 4," said the teacher. "And when will you be 5?"
The child stared at her and after a few seconds replied, "When I hold up the other finger."

July 4, 2005
"Mistakes are the portals of discovery"
    - James Joyce (1882- 1941)

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.
The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So, why's the groom wearing black?"

June 22, 2005
"There are no secrets to success.  It is the result of preparation, hard work, and learning from failure."
    - Colin Powell (1937 - )

A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabber a roast off the counter.  Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his.  The neighbor happened to be a lawyer.
Incensed at the theft , the butcher called up his lawyer neighbor and said, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?"
The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the roast?"
"$7.98. " said the butcher.
A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98.  Attached to it was an invoice that read:  Legal Consultation Service:  $150.

June 7, 2005
"Go often to the house of thy friend; for weeds soon choke up the unused path."
    - Scandinavian Proverb

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."

May 30, 2005
"Let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier"
    - Mother Teresa (1910- 1997)

Sam: Would you punish me for some thing I didn't do?
Teacher: No, of course not.
Sam: Good, because I didn't do my homework.

May 20, 2005
"An unhurried sense of time is in itself a form of wealth."
    - Bonnie Friedman, in New York Times

May 5, 2005
"The man who is swimming against the stream knows the strength of it"
    - Woodrow Wilson (1856-1924)

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school
I was interrupted by a little girl about six years old. Looking up and down
at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?"
"Yes," I answered and continued writing the report.
 "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police, Is that right?"
"Yes, that's right," I told her.
 "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"

April 22, 2005
"Every day brings a chance for you to draw in a breath, kick off your shoes, and dance."
    -Oprah Winfrey (1954- ), O Magazine, Feb 2003

A fellow was invited to the home of some old friends for dinner.  His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc...
The guest was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his friend, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names."
His buddy hung his head.  "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago."

April 8, 2005
"If you don't run your own life, somebody else will"
    -John Atkinson (date unknown)

A diplomatic husband said to his wife, "How do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?"

March 24, 2005
"It is necessary to try to surpass oneself always; this occupation ought to last as long as life."
   -Queen Christina (1626 - 1689), of Sweden, 1629-1689

March 4, 2005
"Courage is doing what you're afraid to do. There can be no courage unless you're scared."
    -Eddie Rickenbacker (1890- 1973)

A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights broken and considerable damage. There's no sign of the offending vehicle but he's relieved to see that there's a note stuck under the windshield wiper.
Sorry. I just backed into your Beemer. The witnesses who saw the accident are nodding and smiling at me because they think I'm leaving my name, address and other particulars. But I'm not."

February 25, 2005
"Life only demands from you the strength you possess. Only one feat is possible - not to have run away."
   -Dag Hammarskjold (1905 - 1961)

Two snowmen are standing in a field. One says to the other, "Funny, I smell carrots too."

February 18, 2005
"Do not condemn the judgment of another because it differs from your own. You may both be wrong."
    -Dandemis (date unknown)

A clogele did a sdtuy, taht no mtater the wrod, as lnog as the frsit and lsat lteter are in the rgiht oedrr, the huamn biran can ifeidtny any wrod buaecse the bairn rdaes a wrod as a wlohe itansed of ecah indvdiuail lteter.

February 14, 2005
"For the most part, fear is nothing but an illusion.  When you share it with someone else, it tends to disappear."
    -Marilyn C. Barrick (date unknown)

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out one thousand Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

February 4, 2005
"Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there"
    -Will Rogers (1879- 1935)

     The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said: "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will."
     "That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change..."

January 28, 2005
"Know the true value of time; snatch, seize, and enjoy every moment of it.  No idleness; no laziness; no procrastination; never put off till tomorrow what you can do today"
    - Lord Chesterfield (1694- 1773)

If you want to get something for your money, buy a purse.

January 21, 2005
"Generosity is giving more than you can, and pride is taking less than you need"
    -Kahlil Gibran (1883-1931)

January 14, 2005
"My future starts when I wake up every morning... Every day I find something creative to do with my life" 
    -Miles Davis (1926-1991)

One-Liners from Famous Women:
"I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb ... and I also know that I'm not blonde."
     [Dolly Parton]
"If high heels were so wonderful, men would be wearing them."
    [Sue Grafton]
"I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house."
    [Zsa Zsa Gabor]

January 7, 2005
People go on vacation to forget things... and when they open their bags, they find out they did.

"Fear less, hope more;
Whine less, breathe more;
Talk less, say more;
Hate less, love more;
And all good things are yours."
    -Swedish Proverb

December 22, 2004
"We are, each of us Angels with but one wing,
And we can only fly embracing each other."
    -Luciano DeCrescenzo (Date Unknown)

While working as a mall Santa, I had many children ask for
electric trains.  "If you get a train," I would tell each one,
"You know your dad is going to want to play with it too.  Is that
okay?"
The usual answer was a quick yes, but after I asked one boy this
question, he became very quiet.  Trying to move the conversation
along, I asked what else he would like Santa to bring him.
He promptly replied, "Another train."

December 17, 2004
"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't"
    -Erica Jong (Date Unknown)

It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?"
"Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant.
"That's no offense," said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"
"Before the store opened," countered the prisoner.

December 10, 2004
"Mistakes are a part of being human. Appreciate your mistakes for what they are: precious life lessons that can only be learned the hard way. Unless it's a fatal mistake, which, at least, others can learn from. "
    -Al Franken, "Oh, the Things I Know", 2002

Holiday Diet
    If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
    When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do.
    If you fatten up everyone else around you then you look thinner.
    Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.
    Anything consumed from someone else's plate has no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (We ALL know how calories like to cling!)

December 3, 2004
Funny Signs:

•  Plumber
  • "We repair what your husband fixed"
• Pizza Shop Slogan
  • "7 days without pizza makes one weak"
• At a Tire Shop
  • "Invite us to your next blowout"
• Sign at the Psychic's hotline
  • "Don't call us, we'll call you"
• Billboard on the side of the road
  • "Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs."
    
• In front of a Funeral Home
  • "Drive carefully, we'll wait"
    
• In a Counselors Office
  • "Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional"

November 26, 2004
"A true friend knows your weaknesses but shows you your strengths; feels your fears but fortifies your faith; sees your anxieties but frees your spirit; recognizes your disabilities but emphasizes your possibilities. "
   -William Arthur Ward
    
"Grandpa, I'm really proud of you," said the young granddaughter.
"What's to be proud of?" asked the old man.
The granddaughter replied, "I noticed that when you sneeze, you put your hand in front of your mouth."
"Of course," explained Grandpa. "How else can I catch my teeth???"

November 19, 2004
"What counts is not necessarily the size of the dog in the fight - it's the size of the fight in the dog"
    -Dwight D. Eisenhower (1890-1969)

A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
"Mama, look what I found," the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?"
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

November 12, 2004
Insulate your hot water heater, as well as hot water pipes and ducts located in unheated areas.

Where do you find a tortoise with no legs?
Where you left it.

November 5, 2004
Buy produce in bulk to save on packaging.  Many health food stores have bulk bins where they sell everything from grains to cereals to cleaning products.
There was this lady who was visiting a church one Sunday. The sermon seemed to go on forever, and many in the congregation fell asleep. After the service, to be social, she walked up to a very sleepy looking gentleman, extended her hand in greeting, and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn." And the gentleman replied, "You're not the only one ma'am, I'm glad it's done too!!"

October 29, 2004
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty-five.  Today she is ninety and we don't know where the heck she is.

October 19, 2004
If you have house plants, whenever possible water them with leftover water from drinking or cooking.

October 12, 2004
You know you are getting older when...."Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
You know you are getting older when....An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee!

September 2, 2004
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

August 30, 2004
A lady driving along almost hit a guy.   She yelled,  “Watch out!”
He said, “Why? Are you coming back?”

July 6, 2004
“Why are you so sad, Jenny?”
“My husband said he wouldn’t talk to me for 30 days.”
“Why should that make you sad?”
“Today’s his last day.”

June 11, 2004
Today’s mighty oak is just yesterdays nut that held its ground
Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
The only exercise some people get is jumping to conclusions, running down their friends, side-stepping responsibility, and pushing their luck.

May 27, 2004
You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber and not the toy.
Its frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

April 23, 2004
The fat you eat is the fat you wear.
Marriage is a great institution.  It’s just that I’m not quite ready for an institution yet.
You can’t trust dogs to watch your food!
Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

March 23, 2004
We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.
Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground.
Families are like fudge . . . mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

March 5, 2004
Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.
“Why are you so sad, Jenny?”
“My husband said he wouldn’t talk to me for 30 days.”
“Why should that make you sad?”
“Today’s his last day.”
A lady driving along hit a guy.   She yelled,  “Watch out!”
He said, “Why? Are you coming back?”

February 27, 2004
Self-discipline is when your conscience tells you to do something and you don’t talk back.
Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
Robert: “Sally, what would you do if I asked you to be my wife?”
Sally:    “Nothing, I can’t talk and laugh at the same time.”
Mary went through a new 14-day diet, but all she lost was two weeks.
In the 1800’s, the first bakery was officially opened on the yeast coast.

February 16, 2004
Don’t wear polka dot underwear under white shorts.
It’s frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

February 2, 2004
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.
We all can’t be heroes, because someone has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by.

January 28, 2004
The best way to break a bad habit is to drop it.
Forget health food – I need all preservatives I can get.
With shorter jail sentences, justice is still being served but in smaller portions.
An optimist is a person who advises a mother of six “to relax.”
What did the leftovers say when they were put into the freezer? Foiled again!

January 22, 2004
Q.  What’s the difference between a chess player and a civil servant?
A.   A Chess player moves every once in a while.
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
Diet:  A short period of starvation preceding a gain of five pounds.
Husband:  Dear, what will I get if I cook another meal like tonight’s?
Wife:  “My life insurance!”

January 15, 2004
Many a person who goes on a diet finds that he is a poor loser.
Did you hear about the employee who fell into a vat of gum?  His boss chewed him out.
Flintstone vitamins are so potent, every time I take one I get the urge to stop the car with my feet.

January 5, 2004
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

December 23, 2003
My doctor told me I have the body of a 35 year old.  He even told me where the guy was buried!
People begin to cut their wisdom teeth the first time when they bit off more than they can chew.

December 16, 2003
If you’re too open-minded, your brains will fall out.

December 9, 2003
You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk!

December 2, 2003
Raising teenagers is like nailing jell-o to a tree.

November 25, 2003
The next time you are feeling down, think about all the terrible things that didn't happen to you.

September 2, 2003
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it - Saskatoon Community Contacts for the Widowed Newsletter - May edition

August 25, 2003
Kindness: - Neigbourhood Express - May edition
- Treat everyone you meet as though it were their last day on earth
- Be better to your neighbours, and you'll have better neighbours
- A small kindness to one person is more useful than a great love for humanity
- An ounce of kindness is worth a ton of cleverness
- Encouragement after a failure is worth more than a medal after success
- Whatever the circumstances, finding a way to say thanks always enhances life

August 18, 2003
Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow - Albert Einstein

July 9, 2003  BEATLES OR STONES? still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, lets get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.

May 6, 2003 MINT CONDITION: Male, 1922, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn’t in running condition, but walks well.

April 24, 2003 MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let’s put our two heads together.

April 16, 2003 All I Need to Know I Learned From the Easter Bunny Don't put all your eggs in one basket Walk softly and carry a big carrot Everyone needs a friend who is all ears There's no such thing as too much candy All work and no play can make you a basket case A cute little tail attracts a lot of attention Everyone is entitled to a bad HARE day Let happy thought multiply like rabbits Some body parts should be floppy Keep your paws off other people's jelly beans Good things come in small sugar-coated packages The grass is greener in someone else's basket An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare To show your true colors you have to come out of the shell The best things in life are still sweet and gooey

April 8, 2003 Some Senior Personal Ads seen in newspapers: Who says seniors don't have a sense of humor? SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids and enjoy quiet times.
WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.

April 1, 2003 Here are a couple to keep you laughing :-) In a laundromat: Automatic Washing Machines: Please remove all your clothes, when the Light Goes Out. On A Repair Shop Door: We can repair anything. (Please knock hard on the door- The Bell doesn't work.)

March 20, 2003 May today there be peace within you. May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be. "I believe that friends are quiet angels who lifts us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly"

February 6, 2003 Regular naps prevent old age … Especially if you take them while driving. You know you're getting older when you give up all your bad habits, and you still don't feel good. My not so bright neighbor got hurt raking leaves; he fell out of the tree.

January 30, 2003 I practice smiling in the mirror: I look at myself and cant stop laughing. The older I get, the more wavy my hair gets; it waves good-bye. The most difficult arithmetic to master is the art of counting our blessings.

January 23, 2003 Raising a teenager is like nailing Jell-O to a tree. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the heck happened. I refuse to think of then as chin hairs, I think of them as stray eyebrows. When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. A man was telling his neighbor, “I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.” “Really” answered the neighbor. “What kind is it?” “Twelve thirty.”

January 16, 2003 If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows u-turns. An old timer is anyone who learned to ride a bicycle before it became a fitness machine. Talking is sharing, listening is caring. It’s not easy being perfect, but someone had to do it! The next time you're feeling down, think about all the terrible things that didn't happen to you.

January 9, 2003
The handwriting on the wall means the grandchildren have found the crayons. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy! Its not the load that brings you down, its the way you carry it. Frogs have it easy, they can eat what bugs them. If you talk too much you'll probably say to much.

December 19, 2002
“Success is following the pattern of life one enjoys most. -Al Capp
“Never complain. Never explain. -Katherine Hepburn
“You’re not the only one who’s made mistakes, but they’re the only things that you can truly call your own. -Billy Joel
“The first step to getting the things you want out of life is this: Decide what you want.” -Ben Stein
“The purpose of life is to fight maturity.” -Dick Werthimer

December 12, 2002
“Laughter gives us distance. It allows us to step back from an event, deal with it and then move on.” -Bob Newhart
“The longer I live the more beautiful life becomes.” -Frank Lloyd Wright
“Oppression can only survive through silence.” -Carmen de Monteflores
“It’s all right to have butterflies in your stomach. Just get them to fly in formation. -Dr. Rob Gilbert

December 5, 2002
“To me, old age is always 15 years older than I am.” -Bernard M. Baruch
“Humor is by far the most significant activity for the human brain.” -Edward De Bono
“In this life he laughs longest who laughs last.” -John Masefield
“The best way to predict the future is to invent it.” -Alan Kay
“Happiness is not a destination. It is a method of life.” -Burton Hills

November 28, 2002
“Don’t dwell on reality; it will only keep you from greatness.” -Rev. Randall R. McBride, Jr.
“Just when you think that a person is just a back drop for the rest of the universe, watch them see that they laugh, they cry, they tell jokes…they’re just friends waiting to be made.” -Dr. Jeffrey Borenstein
“The future, according to some scientists, will be exactly like the past, only more expensive.” -John Sladek
“Try not to become a man of success but rather to become a man of value.” -Albert Einstein
“If you don’t learn to laugh at trouble, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you’re old.” -Ed Howe

November 21, 2002

An elderly women lived on a small farm in Canada, just yards away from North Dakota border. Their land has been a subject of a mirror dispute between United States and Canada for years. The widowed women lived on the farm with her son and three grandchildren.

One day, her son came into her room holding a letter. “I just got some news, Mom,” he said. “The government had come to an agreement with the people in North Dakota. They’ve decided that our land is really part of the United States. We have the rights to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?”

“What do I think?” his mother said. “Sign it! Call them right now and tell them we accept ! I don’t think I can stand another Canadian winter!”

Total absence of humor renders life impossible.” -Colette, Chance Acquaintances, 1952
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring close-knit family in another city” -George Burns
“Though is sounds absurd, it is true to say I felt younger at sixty than I felt at twenty.” -Ellen Glasgow, The Women Within, 1954
“The grand essentials of happiness are: something to do, something to love, and something to hope for.” -Allan K. Chalmers
“The best way to cheer yourself up is to cheer somebody else up.” -Mark Twain

November 14, 2002
“Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Wit is educated insolence.” -Aristotle
“The future is much like the present, only longer.” -Dan Quisenberry
“To follow, without halt, one aim: There’s the secret of success. -Anna Pavlova
“Laughter is by definition healthy.” -Doris Lessing >

November 7, 2002
“Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.” -Unknown
“Happiness is a choice that requires effort at times.” -Anonymous
“The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.” -Eleanor Roosevelt
“There is much pleasure ot be gained from useless knowledge.” -Bertrand Russell
“What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.” -Oliver Wendell Holmes

October 31, 2002
Extravagance: how other people spend their money.
“Love at first sight is often cured by a second look.”
“When you go into business for yourself, it takes the fun out of payday.”
“Did you ever notice that everything you really enjoy is either immoral, illegal or fattening?”
“Live in such a way that you wouldn’t be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip.”

October 24, 2002
“Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.”
“On the keyboard of life always keep one finger on the escape key.”
“Needing someone is like a needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time, chances are you won’t be needing him again.”
“If you yelled for eight years, seven months and six days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.”(Hardly seems worth it!)
“The most tiring exercise is carrying yesterday on your back.”

October 17, 2002
Teenager to a friend, “I’ll say this for my dad – he tells it like it used to be.”
“I wouldn’t mind work if it wasn’t so confounded daily.”
Wife: “Tomorrow is our twenty-fifth wedding anniversary. I think I’ll kill the chicken and we can have him for dinner.” Husband: “Why punish the poor chicken for what happened twenty-five years ago?”
“I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.”
“Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.”

October 10, 2002
Bride to new husband: “there you are, darling, my first meal cooked just the way you'd better like it.”
Keep smiling. It makes everyone wonder what you're up to.
You’ve got an ego problem if you think that your dog wags its tail only when you're out of the room.
Golf is like taxes; you drive hard to get to the green and then you end up in the hole.
“He's so bald when he walks into a barbershop, he asks for a shave and a shave.

October 3, 2002
“The best exercise is to bend down and help someone up.”
“To err is human; to forgive, infrequent.”
Every church should have this as its motto: “You're not too bad to come in. You're not too good to stay out.”
A burglar entered a pastors house at midnight. Pulling out a gun, he said, “If you move, you're a dead man. I'm hunting for your money.” “Let me get up and turn on the light,” said the pastor. “I’ll hunt with you.”
A honeymoon is the brief period between “I do” and “You'd better.”

September 26, 2002
“Going on a diet is the triumph of mind over platter.”
“Talk is cheap because the supply is greater than the demand.”
Patient: “Doc, when I stand on my head, the blood rushes to it. Why doesn’t it rush to my feet now?” Doctor: “That's because you're feet aren't empty.”
Why does the road map tell us everything except how to fold it up again?
“I’ll say this about a man who thinks He's smarted than his wife. He's married to a very smart woman.”

September 19, 2002
“The good lord sometimes gives you the test before you’ve had a chance to study the lesson.”
“It's hard to see eye-to-eye with others when you're looking down your nose at them.”
“I didn't mind it when my wife and my mother-in-law said “I do” at the wedding, but when I had to carry the two of them over the threshold, that was too much.”
“People are like wine – age sours the bad and improves the good.”
“Kids are at the perfect age when they're too old to cry at night and too young to borrow the car.”

September 12,2002
“We need 4 hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth.”
“A true friend is one who knows all about you, and likes you just the same.”
“Things may come to those who wait, but only things left by those who hustle.”
“Think twice, speak once.”
“There are two ways to be rich. One is to have all you want, and the other is to be content with what you have.”

September 5,2002
“Being an adult is dirty work, but someone has to do it”
“We can do anything we want to do if we stick to it long enough”
“This day is a gift; that's why we call it the present”
“Love does not make the world go round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile”
“We take on the strength of that which we overcome”

August 29,2002
“Nothing is more frequently “opened by mistake” than a mouth”
“It is easier to recover from a slip of the foot than a slip of the tongue”
“The more you are thankful for what you have, the more you will have to be thankful for”
“Never insult an alligator until you have crossed the river”
“You see much more of your children once they leave home”

August 22,2002
“God loves cheerful givers, but he will accept the offering of a grouch as well”
“People who fly in a rage always make a bad landing”
“A woman is like a tea bag. You never know how strong she is until she gets into hot water”
“As one goes through life one learns that if you don't paddle your own canoe, you don't move”
“What sunshine is to flowers, smiles are to humanity”

August 15,2002
“Everyone else my age is an adult, whereas I am merely in disguise”
“Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them more”
Inside every seventy-year-old is a thirty-five-year-old asking: “What happened?”
“Strangers are friends that you have yet to meet”
“You cannot use your friends and have them too”

August 8,2002
“We are all here for a spell; get all the good laughs you can.” – Will Rogers
When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one who perceives a solution and is willing to command. Usually, that one is crazy.
Signs of the times: You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of four.
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. – Phyllis Diller
I'm not just a gardener, I'm a plant manager.
There are two rules for ultimate success in life: (1) Never tell everything you know.
Signs
These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.
Sign in Butchers window: “Pleased to meat you.”
Sign on auto body shop: “May we have the next dents?”
Sign on a parking space at a garden nursery: “Reserved for plant manager.”
Sign on a door to a psychiatric ward: “ Please do not disturb further.”

June 24, 2002
My face in the mirror Is not wrinkled nor drawn My house isn't dirty The cobwebs are gone My garden looks lovely And so does my lawn I think I might never Put my glasses back on

June 17, 2002
"We all take different paths in life, but no matter where we go, we take a little of each other everywhere." Tim McGraw

June 10, 2002
Personal Observations

God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I'm "older" (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered:

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

My wild oats have turned into All Bran.

I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.

Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.

If all is not lost, where is it?

It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

It's not hard to meet expenses; they're everywhere.

These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter. I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.

June 3, 2002
Letter From Grandma
Dear Son:

I have become a little older since I saw you last, and a few changes have come into my life since then. Frankly, I have become a frivolous old gal. I am seeing five gentlemen everyday. As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed. Then I go to see John. Then Charlie Horse comes along, and when he is here he takes a lot of my time and attention. When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint. After such a busy day, I'm really tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay. What a life.

Love, Grandma
P.S. The preacher came to call the other day. He said at my age I should be thinking of the hereafter. I told him, "Oh I do it all the time. No matter where I am, in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the basement, I ask myself, "Now, what am I here after?"

May 27, 2002
Travelling from the East Coast to Oregon, I was looking forward to sampling seafood from the Pacific Ocean. At a small open-air restaurant, I selected the clam chowder. "Is it fresh?" I asked the waitress. "Oh, yes," she replied. "We opened the can just this morning."

May 17, 2002
Whenever I'm disappointed with my spot in life, I stop and think about little Jamie Scott. Jamie was trying out for a part in a school play. His mother told me that he'd set his heart on being in it, though she feared he would not be chosen. On the day the parts were awarded, I went with her to collect him after school. Jamie rushed up to her, eyes shining with pride and excitement. "Guess what Mom," he shouted, and then said those words that will remain a lesson to me: "I've been chosen to clap and cheer."

May 10, 2002
Having just moved into his new office, a pompous colonel was sitting at his desk when a private knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel told the private to enter, then quickly picked up the phone and said, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing the brigadier this afternoon, and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir." Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?" "Nothing important, sir," the private replied. "Just here to hook up your telephone.

May 3, 2002
Words of Inspiration
The most valuable possessions in this world are pleasant thoughts; and the greatest art in life is how to pass them along to the greatest number in need of such.

April 25, 2002
Things Our Mothers Teach Us
My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE: ''If you're going to kill each other, do it outside -- I just finished cleaning!''
My mother taught me RELIGION: ''You better pray that will come out of the carpet.''
My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL: ''If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!''
My mother taught me LOGIC: ''Because I said so, that's why.''
My mother taught me FORESIGHT: ''Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.''
My mother taught me IRONY: ''Keep laughing (or crying) and I'll give you something to cry about.''
My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS: ''Shut your mouth and eat your supper.''
My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM: ''Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck!''
My mother taught me about STAMINA: ''You'll sit there till all that spinach is finished.''
My mother taught me about WEATHER: ''It looks as if a tornado swept through your room.''
My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS: ''If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you, would you listen then?''
My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY: ''If I've told you once, I've told you a million times -- don't exaggerate!''
My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE: ''I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.''
My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION: ''Stop acting like your father!''
My mother taught me about ENVY: ''There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!''

More good one-liners
Banning the bra was a big flop. Sea captains don't like crew cuts. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor. Without geometry, life is pointless. When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination. Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I. If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons?

Some good one liners (2001)

Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative. My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time. Practice safe eating - always use condiments. I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother. Shotgun wedding A case of wife or death. I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded. I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

A hero is no braver than an ordinary person, but he or she is braver five minutes longer. Ralph Waldo Emerson

Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child. The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his mother asked him what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry."

"When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?" Dilbert

What do you call a mushroom that buys all the drinks?
"A fungi to be with."

What do you call a guy with 7 oranges in one hand and 7 apples in the other hand?
"A guy with really big hands."

You must have courage in whatever the test you face, however many times you fall, stand up just once more.
Anonymous

October 18,2001

A burglar has just made it into the house he's intending ransacking, and he's looking around for stuff to steal. All of a sudden, a little voice pipes up, "I can see you and so can Jesus!" Startled, the burglar looks around the room. No one there at all, so he goes back to his business. "I can see you, and so can Jesus!" The burglar jumps again, and takes a longer look around the room. Over in the corner by the window sits a parrot, who pipes up again, "I can see you and so can Jesus!" "So what," says the burglar, "you're only a parrot!" To which the parrot replies, "Maybe, but Jesus is a rottweiler!"

October 4, 2001
In a very small alley two trucks driving in opposite directions meet. As the drivers are equally stubborn, neither of them wants to reverse. They angrily look one at the other. Finally, one of them picks us a newspaper and starts reading. The other one politely asks, "when you've finished the paper, will you please bring it over, and let me read it?"

September 13, 2001
Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at one end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house an older woman was looking out her kitchen window watching the two men as they checked her gas meter. Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a foot race down the alley and back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong. Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figure I'd better run too!"

September 5, 2001
It is well documented that for every minute that you exercise, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.

August 23, 2001
70 - year old George went for his annual physical and all of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with God?" George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, and he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom *poof* the light goes on, when I'm done *poof* the light goes off." "Wow!" commented Dr. Smith, "That's incredible!" A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Ethel," he said, "George is going fine. Physically he's great, but I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up in the night and *poof* the light goes on in the bathroom,l and then when he is through *poof* the light goes off?" Ethel exclaimed, "Oh, my! He's peeing in the refrigerator again."

August 17, 2001
A little girl goes to the doctor. She's got a pea in one nostril, a grape in the other, and a string bean stuck in her ear. She says, "I don't feel good." The doctor replies, "the problem is clear to me. You're not eating right."

August 13, 2001
Don't be sad about the things you want and don't get. Think how many things you don't want that you don't get!!!